Happy New Year! I hope your 2023 has gotten off to a wonderful start. We’re back from our brief hiatus and ready to start slinging reviews your way. And we’re kicking off the year with our first proper dildo review in three years! So let’s not waste too much time and get right into it.
The folks behind John Thomas Toys have been patiently waiting for me to be able to review a dildo for them; and finally at the end of 2022, I was in a position to accept one. After browsing their extensive (and boy, do I mean extensive!) catalogue; I had settled on the model that I wanted to review; The Barbarian. It arrived just before Christmas and now it’s time to get busy and start telling you fine people what I thought about it. So grab yourselves a snack, sit back and let’s kick off our first review of 2023!
I would like to thank John Thomas Toys who sent us the Barbarian Platinum Silicone Dildo free of charge in exchange for an honest review.
IMPORTANT UPDATE
On the evening of Thursday 23rd February 2023, JTT posted a poll on their twitter that suggested if they should ‘name and shame’ influencers that have not produced content or reviews for them. The poll had options such as ‘Yes and inc. addresses, yes but no personal info’. When folks called them out over the potential of doxxing someone, they took down their tweet and posted a follow-up suggesting that people were ‘having a meltdown’, hence why they deleted their poll.
The issue with this, is that whilst I don’t believe that JTT would actually dox anyone (especially as its illegal); the simple fact of the matter is that it should never have been something the brand discusses on its public twitter platform. Considering the majority of influencers that work with JTT are sex workers; the very idea of publishing their information is incredibly dangerous and irresponsible. And when people pointed out they were in the wrong; instead of just apologising they instead suggested people were having a ‘meltdown’. After I called them out, the brand decided to unfollow me (somehow escaping a block unlike so many others who also called them out).
So whilst I am not going to delete the review; I wanted to pop this up here and let you make up your own mind as to whether you still want to purchase/support the brand. There is no judgement from me as to whether you choose too; for now I have terminated advertising with us and I will no longer promote them. They have left a couple of ‘apologies‘ on their feed. Make of them what you will. (Warning: The JTT twitter feed is extremely NSFW).
First Impressions
So when I said John Thomas Toys has an extensive catalogue; what I mean is they have over 77 models of dildo alone. Each dildo then comes in 4 colours (that’s 308). Each dildo then comes in 4 sizes (that’s 1232) and each dildo can be a different firmness (that’s… math I cannot be doing this early). But you get the picture. They offer a wide array of designs; ranging from your standard ‘realistic’ looking dongs to your more monstrous/animal themed. And they come in a wide variety of sizes; I am not someone who enjoys massive objects in their butt – but for those who REALLY enjoy stuffing their cracks – they have you covered. For example the Barbarian in the largest size is 16 inches in length, with a max circumference of 15.5 inches. There is definitely a LOT to explore.
As for the dildo I chose, I have the Barbarian in the Lime Fusion colour, and it has a length of 7 inches, with a max circumference of 6.3 inches. This is honestly the perfect dimensions for me. But know they can go much bigger! The firmness I chose was medium (shore A20) and I chose the Barbarian because it offers the best of both worlds; it’s got a realistic size and shape; but it’s got reptilian texturing and lots of lovely scales and undulating ribs along the shaft. And also, it was one of the few where the small actually felt small to me! It arrived hygienically sealed along side a velvet storage bag; and because the dildo is Vac-u-lock compatible, I got a free suction cup to use with it too. So far, so good!
In Use
The first thing I noted about the Barbarian is how lovely and squishy it feels. One thing you may or may not know about it, is every time a new dildo arrives to review, I will sit and squish it in my hand for a good hour or so; almost like a stress-ball. And I can safely say the squish is satisfying here. The firmness allows the dildo to feel flexible but doesn’t diminish the texture along the shaft. I can still feel every ridge and bump perfectly. The colour, a bold neon lime green, mixed with a smokey black does give this a very ‘alien’ feel so I can see this as the perfect step for those who are looking to try out a more fantastical dildo, but keeping realistic proportions and shape.
During use, the Barbarian slides in nicely; the tip has a short but gentle taper that then widens out. As you slide deeper onto the shaft, the scale texture you can feel in the hand is lost; however the plating detail and the various ‘vein’ like areas can really be felt and it is a delight as I take it all in. The firmness is perfect; it never feels too soft, not does it leave me feeling uncomfortable. The base has as decent thickness to it, so I can grip it quite easily and thrust with wild abandon.
As I mentioned, the dildo is Vac-u-lock compatible (so I could attach it to my Keon) but I wanted to test out the included suction cup. Unfortunately, my experience with the suction cup was the only thing that stops this review from being a perfect 10. I know it’s a freebie however I did have trouble getting the suction cup to adhere to anything but the floor. As soon as I tried to attach it to, say, my tiled bathroom wall… it held for about 5 seconds before promptly dropping to the floor. When the cup is attached to the wall by itself, it held up but as soon as I put the dildo on; it popped off. I ended up having to dig out another vac-u-lock suction cup I had. I don’t know if it’s because the material the suction cup is made from is quite ‘rigid’ and doesn’t seem to have the biggest ‘cup’ compared to others… It is a minor quibble, as the suction cup did come free with the dildo; however had I purchased the cup; I would have been very disappointed.
Clean-up and Maintenance
For those who might need a refresher when it comes to maintaining your new silicone friend; they are honestly the easiest thing to take care off. Silicone can be boiled, put in the dishwasher (not with your dinner plates) or you can just hand wash it with soap and water. Personally, for these sorts of heavily textured toys – I do prefer to wash by hand (just to ensure that every thing is spotless as it’s easy for lube and such to get stick inside the textured recesses). However you choose to clean it though, it can be safely stored as is with all of your other silicone dildos. But John Thomas are ever so kind enough to provide you with a storage bag; so this will help keep it dust and lint free til next time!
Summary
As a dildo, I love it! In the size and firmness I chose, it literally ticks all of my boxes. It provides me with a decent, satisfactory filling. It looks cool and is the perfect bridge between realistic and fantasy. I do appreciate the free suction cup and storage bag, despite the problems. My only problem was it took me bloody ages to decide what I wanted because there was so much choice! And if that’s really the *worst* thing I have to say about something… well that ain’t all that bad is it?
John Thomas are a UK based silicone slinger but they do ship their creations throughout the world. The shipping box and label were very discreet with nothing on the box that would have identified what was inside. I’m sorry it took me so long to get round to reviewing a John Thomas Dildo, but I can safely say the wait was worth it and you never know; I might be back for more in the future.
Where to Buy
If you want to try the Barbarian yourself; you can pick one up from John Thomas Toys today where prices for this particular model start from £31.60 (at the time of publication). It’s also available in Red, Blue or Black.
I would like to thank John Thomas Toys who sent us the Barbarian Platinum Silicone Dildo free of charge in exchange for an honest review. Affiliate links have not been used in this post.
